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Wateracre says... Information on the gig here. 8pm start. Info on the Troubadour can be found at www.troubadour.co.uk.
Wateracre says...
Wateracre says... - Haruki Murakami, "The Last Lawn of the Afternoon"
Wateracre says... The event will remain a mystery until the week before, when instructions for the day will be emailed to you. Email me at tom@thenoshow.co.uk if you'd like instructions. That's all.
Wateracre says... Posted from WAPBLOGGER - just put http://wap.ubique.ch/wapblogger/ into your wap phone! It's GRATE!
Wateracre says... No good. I still sound like a twat.
Wateracre says... Much more exciting is the fact that TOMORROW (Friday September 19th) is International Talk Like A Pirate Day! Much thanks to my friend Helen's sister Katie and her boyfriend Matt who alerted me to Talk Like A Pirate Day. I may even attempt to rouse a motley crew of bung-hole dwellin' bilge rats for a keg or three of grog for the occasion. Why not celebrate it where you come from? The website is marvellous - particular highlights are Why To Talk Like A Pirate - And How and also the semi-legendary ENGLISH TO PIRATE TRANSLATOR! Why not write a sonnet series celebrating life on the seas and feed it into the translator? And then post it in BlogOut? Lord knows I will!
Luke says... Waiting for the Gentlemen with Cars to Leave my Rooftop Garden so that I Might Drink Cognac All Evening with my Wife A PAIR I The door within the door opened today: I was spreading the horrific rumour; 'Twas I slapping the forehead of the man Tied to the Wolverine Street sign, whimpering. I pronounced myself guilty and began To search among the acoutrements til Darkness fell and I, scared, returned to bed With paperclips and plastic toy trombones. I disguised my voice upon your anwerphone And you confessed to all my crimes again. Next day my visit to your cell was brief; Cut short by that blasted child, shouting, "A thousand women lost within the scuffle; I am the truffle hound that eats the truffle!" II Dread, dread, dread, dread and sandwiches for tea - Rip down those stupid banners, if you please. I am not welcome here 'no more', no sir, No siree, on no account, without doubt. I forged your signature and stole your suit; It doesn't fit, but what does 'nowadays'? I traded all your term-papers for fruit And gave them to your students in lieu: Apples for Steve, Bananas for Cathy, A grapefruit for Samuel and grapes for Ed. They were satisfied - their feelings, I believe Reflected in their staff assessment forms. I am not welcome here 'no more', no sir, The thing attached to your sock is a burr.
Wateracre says... Oh he's shaggy and he eats like a hog And he's always killin' my chickens That dirty old egg-suckin' dog "Egg-suckin' dog I'm gonna stomp your head in the ground If you don't stay out of my hen house You dirty old egg-suckin' hound "Now if he don't stop eatin' my eggs up Though I'm not a real bad guy I'm gonna get my rifle and send him To that great chicken house in the sky "Egg-suckin' dog You're always hangin' around But you'd better stay out of my hen house You dirty old egg-suckin' hound" Johnny Cash is dead. In accordance with the wonderful song "Let The Train Blow The Whistle", tell the girls down at the Ritz he said hello.
Wateracre says... They say - "It is my opinion that President Bush is the right man to lead the U.S. today in this war against terrorism. Remember that it was the illuminated bush that spoke to Moses in the Bible, I think that the President's name is no accident." [Add own lewd joke here...]
Wateracre says... What could be better than the lovely large leathery face of a gorilla? That's right, the same face adorned with '80s warpaint! Adam Ant has re-recorded his hit "Stand and Deliver" with new lyrics "Save the gorilla / your money for their life / biddlebiddlebiddlebiddle / uhn!" The track also features him grunting like an ape. Adam says :- “The original Stand and Deliver took thirteen days to record and cost tens of thousands to produce,” he said. “This one took just three hours and cost nothing. That’s what you can achieve when you’re committed to getting it right for a good cause like this.” (Translation - "That's what you can achieve when you piss out an awful version of one of your hit songs with all the lyrics changed to be about gorillas.") Download an agonisingly brief sample at the following website... http://www.dianfossey.org/news/adam_ant.html There is also a staggering piece of informative animation on this website.
Wateracre says... Some new pages for your delectation... Alternative Titles for 'Woe From Wit' - discovered loitering on Matthew's computer. "Dear Binky... Dear Rollo" - the complete selected correspondence. and a minor tweak of the Essays page. Thanks to Nick Stimson for his selection of The Freudian Slip as one of the highlights of the 2003 National Student Drama Festival in his NSDF03 Report. There is also a tiny, yet important, picture of the NSDF Ensemble with BRIAN BLESSED! Including a tiny, but very excited Jenny Sutton!
Wateracre says... If you have a dream about a platonic female friend, is it weird to tell them about it? I had a dream. It was a nice dream. In it, I saw my friend BLANK who I haven't seen for a while. Her name isn't actually BLANK, I just named her that for a little anonymity. Anyway, BLANK was in my dream and I thought, "Hey! It'd be nice to get in touch and say 'hi, I saw you in my dream, it was nice to see you, and it wasn't rude in any way, it was just a nice meeting in the Ram Garden and then I... uh... had to go and get on a boat... and the rest of the dream is not important. What is important is that my subconscious is thinking of you and... uh... misses you, or something.'" So I toyed with texting her and saying that (although admittedly with a lot less words) and then I actually texted her and said that (with even less words) and felt ok with that. Her text back, though, was a touch sniffy. This led me to ponder - should I not have told her? Is a man dreaming about a beautiful woman IN ANY CONTEXT something that should not be discussed? Have I broken an unknowing taboo? Once again, I invite your opinions in BlogOut...
Wateracre says... 
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN? Suspected of moustache twiddling and chasing Penelope Pitstop, his codename is "The Claw" or "Russ", depending on what mood you catch him in. The conversation may proceed like this... YOU - Hey! Are you "The Claw"? THE CLAW - No, today's a "Russ" day. YOU - Fair enough.
Wateracre says...
Wateracre says... I have seen some cracking films recently... Pirates of the Caribbean - awesome. Terminator 3 - expected nothing, awesome. But also... The Emperor's New Groove - AWESOME beyond BELIEF! I wish my life was as exciting as this woman's life has been. Also check out the Links page for new links and pretty, moving pictures about things that you should endorse. That's all for the moment.
Wateracre says... At the end of the film, after the initial few credits, the playwright stands up and puts on his coat. He then sits down. Then the director stands up, puts on his coat, the playwright stands up as well, and they say "what are you waiting for, Tom?" "The credits haven't finished." "I thought you were waiting for the crowds to pass..." "No. The credits haven't finished." They shake their heads, ruefully, and head towards the door. I stand up and rather loudly castigate them for not staying til the end of the credits. "You are arts professionals, and you don't even show support for your fellow craftsmen!" Needless to say, I felt bullied into leaving. The playwright even had the gall to say "Well, they don't give me a credit on [name of soap opera], so why should I stay?" (This is an outrageous argument.) And so, in a Carrie Bradshaw style, I ask:- Is it important to stand up for what you believe in? and also How well do you know your friends? because after thinking about it, I realised that I never went to the cinema with my ex, and therefore NEVER KNEW IF SHE'D STAY TO THE END OF THE CREDITS. How was it possible to ignore this insight into one's character? From now on, I'm changing all my singles adverts to read:- "M, 23, GSOH, seeks W, 19-24, must stay to end of credits at cinema, that's all." Cue Blogout straw poll... ps. What's in Melinda Messenger's bag?!
Wateracre says... I am growing a beard. Not even sure why. The reason may be penitential. In case you haven't seen it, the Freudian Slip page has had a little shift around, but nothing huge. Oh, apart from the text from some of the TFS Programmes now being online. There's also now a delightful box on the Home Page which records where visitors have linked from - powered by the delightful folks at yaywastaken.com. This is purely for the internet geeks among us to get excited about back referral, a concept which will alienate a good 95% of the population. However, I have decided to write a concept sitcom entirely based around the way that human relationships are mirrored by the way webpages relate to each other; like - uh - one person links to another by - uh - being their mum and - uh - after that the - uh - child has an - uh - friend, who - uh - the mum gets to - uh - know. And that's the basis of the sitcom. It also has some cracking knob gags in it.
Luke says... As anyone who has ever polished a mirror will know, there are some marks which, while they appear to be surface stains, are actually deep faults within the mirror's fabric and threfore impossible to remove. Unless you're some kind of mirror expert. I propose that a similar view can be taken of my soul. Just like a mirror, it reflects things and, if you push it aside, you will find paracetamol, old razors, an unused box of dental floss and some little jars and bottles with faded labels that sit among the fluff, gathering more fluff. So the next time some dullard says, 'The eyes are the window to the soul,' you can instantly chip in with the rebuttal: 'Ah, but a mirror is the mirror to the soul - and if you look at your eyes in a mirror it would be like you had two souls - as if you're the opposite of a vampire or something.' Next week: what is Literature - an iron or a lamp? P.S. what happened to the Binky letters? 8,000 words to go and all's well.
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